I am so conflicted right now. On one hand I am very happy for my family and friends who have just welcomed new additions in recent weeks and are anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new bundles set to arrive soon close to my due date. Every child is a blessing and when I send a not of congratulations I truly mean it. However, I am so tired of hearing about it. All the baby shower photos, the target gift registry coming in the mail saying I can get ten percent off any items that have yet to be purchased. I should be 36 weeks today, not 18 weeks or close to it since I last saw my baby and held him for the last time. I am anxiously awaiting the insurance clearance to start this IVF cycle. Not because I want to replace what I don't have but to start my family. I raise everybody else's children during the school year and I am ready to share in that process with my husband. We will celebrate our 2nd anniversary in a little over a month. We have been together for almost five years. Its time. Anthony is always going to be my first born but I really want to love a living child as well. I guess I am just having a moment.
Today is my mothers birthday. I love her with all of my heart. I was hoping that her first grandbaby would be here shortly after her birthday. She is greatful though because she said for a short time she was a grandma and is waiting patiently for God to bless our family again. I will continue to wait on him and give him honor and glory for each new life he allows to enter into the world, but that doesn't mean from time to time I wont have mixed emotions.
If you read this far, thanks for allowing me to vent. I need to do it more often.
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Vent away my friend! Anthony will never be replaced and always will be your firstborn. But his future brother/sister will fill your empty arms. :)
ReplyDeleteOf course it's ok to vent!!! The feelings we carry are SO intense and raw...we do such a hard job in trying to extend grace to others...and sometimes we just need to give grace to ourselves!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are missing your sweet little boy so much and of COURSE you are not trying to replace him---but to continue to build your family--a family of which he will always be a part.
Girl, I hear you on raising other people's children and desperately wanting to raise some of your own!!!
Lots of prayers and love!