A Heart that Forgives

Yesterday was fantasic. Two fantastic messages from Pastor Brian BK Stevens from Louisianna. Yes I do want my life back. One way to get that life back is to truly trust in God. I also heard a song this morning that is not new to me but ut is by Kevin Lavar, it is called a heart that forgives. This song is truly a blessing. Sometimes it is truly difficult to forgive those who have wronged us. This I know to be true, but have you ever considered this thought, "What if God never forgave us of our sins, what if he never sent his Son, Jesus to die for our sins. Where would we be?" I know that everyone may not have the same beleifs that I have and that is ok. How can I expect forgiveness if I refuse to forgive others. Other people sometimes dont even realize that they have hurt us, even if they do they will forget a long time before you do. In the long run who suffers the most. You do! Why, because we harbor all the anger on the inside that is slowly hurting ourselves even more. It is hard for me to hear these words sometimes, we have to let it go. Sometimes we have to be alone and let things go so that we can move on. In not means does this mean forget the circumstances or the feelings, but release the power that we allow these feelings to have on our lives.

Kevin LeVar "A Heart That Forgives"
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Kevin LeVar Recording Artist CD: One Sound www.kevinlevar.com www.myspace.com/kevinlevar info@kevinlevar.com program 8261

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I am so tired!!!! (on a side note Happy Birthday Mom!)

I am so conflicted right now. On one hand I am very happy for my family and friends who have just welcomed new additions in recent weeks and are anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new bundles set to arrive soon close to my due date. Every child is a blessing and when I send a not of congratulations I truly mean it. However, I am so tired of hearing about it. All the baby shower photos, the target gift registry coming in the mail saying I can get ten percent off any items that have yet to be purchased. I should be 36 weeks today, not 18 weeks or close to it since I last saw my baby and held him for the last time. I am anxiously awaiting the insurance clearance to start this IVF cycle. Not because I want to replace what I don't have but to start my family. I raise everybody else's children during the school year and I am ready to share in that process with my husband. We will celebrate our 2nd anniversary in a little over a month. We have been together for almost five years. Its time. Anthony is always going to be my first born but I really want to love a living child as well. I guess I am just having a moment.
Today is my mothers birthday. I love her with all of my heart. I was hoping that her first grandbaby would be here shortly after her birthday. She is greatful though because she said for a short time she was a grandma and is waiting patiently for God to bless our family again. I will continue to wait on him and give him honor and glory for each new life he allows to enter into the world, but that doesn't mean from time to time I wont have mixed emotions.

If you read this far, thanks for allowing me to vent. I need to do it more often.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Fathers Day to ALL of the Fathers. Whether your child is here on Earth or has crossed over to their heavenly home you are still a Father and I salute you. I want to say a Special Happy Father's Day to my husband Anthony's Daddy. I am sure that Anthony would want his daddy to be happy today but unfortunately he does not even want to be acknowledged as as a dad until he has a living child. I will respect his wishes. Happy Fathers Day Daddy, I love you with all of my heart I have always been and will continue to be your Baby Girl. as the card said, my daddy was the first man I ever fell in love with, the first one to kiss my cheeck, the first man to hold my hand. I thank God for my Father, on of my best friends.

Getting so frustrated Ughhhhh!!!!!

I said that I was ok with things taking longer than expected. Today I realize not so. Why is it that nobody realized that there was more clinical things that needed to be done. If someone had only known that stuff could have been done the week after my initial appointment. Come on, I could see if my body ran like clockwork but it doesn't. I dont like sitting in the dark with tears streaming down my face. I know I am working on God's time not my own. Its really hard though. I think I will call my nurse tomorrow and let her know about my concerns. Maybe she will have a sympathetic ear. I will try.

If its not one thing its another.

I love my Reproductive Endocrinologist office but...... We dropped the ball this time. We should have been able to easily remedy the situation of knowing that in order to get the insurance approval we needed to do a mock embryo transfer. That could have been done a month ago. Now we have to wait for a new cycle and then the timeline begins. This is getting frustrating, but I will not let it defeat me. I still love you Crystal. One mistake is not going to deter me from the excellent treatment I have received thus far. I will be patient and continue to wait on God. Hey maybe there is already a blessing in the works and I just dont know it yet.

Butterfly Award

An Excerpt from a deaar friends blog
"In celebration of my new blog designed by Small Bird Studio Butterfly Kisses for Angel Alyssa Marie (me) would like to start a new award!! The award is called the "Butterfly Award" and it represents the change you go through after your loss.

Unfortunately butterflies no longer remind me just of my daughter. They also remind me of ME. Before Alyssa I was just someone else (a caterpillar) living life and after I lost her I changed, I morphed, I BECAME my very own butterfly. I can not be ME today without having gone through what I have been through after losing Alyssa. Just like a butterfly can NEVER go back to being a caterpillar, I ad you can never go back to the days of being a naive pregnant woman. We can not go back to the time where we were not baby loss mommas. So THIS award is to be given to someone who has changed in your eyes. Someone that through their journey have become a different person today. I encourage the winner to follow lead and present the award upon receiving it. The rules with THIS award are that you have to award someone who has changed into a "butterfly" through their journey in your eyes."


Thanks Ann, I will go forth with the challenge and give my award to a much deserving individual. This person has been extremely welcoming and very kind in my time of need, so much so that my family has even noticed how this person has affected my life. I have seen her pain turn into triumph over the past several months. While she has moments of weekness she continues to be there for all who are around her. She has gone from a point where she did not want to remain here, but wanted to be with her child, to now being at a point where she knows a new beginning could help a great deal. Without further ado I present this award to none other than Ann @angelalyssamarie.blogspot.com You have come a mighty long way and I am so proud of where you are now. We all have a long way to go but I can see, hear, and feel a change in you. I will continue to pray for you and Anthony as you begin your new journey together. (Have fun!!!!) I cherish the conversations we have had together, I find that when I call to lift you up you end up bringing me out of a rough patch.

As for me today was a little bit rough. My Kindergarten promotional was today and it was very emotional. I started crying at the beginning of the program as I watched a parent sitting on the front row constantly rubbing her swollen belly. Little did I know she was one of my parents and I had to see her all day. That was hard as she looked like she is about as far along or maybe a little further than myself. It is hard enough I have to watch a colleage toddle along everyday. (she is due like next week) While I am happy for her and her three healthy pregnancies I cant help but to feel like she is taunting almost her healthy cervix. Then I realize that those thoughts are just the adversaries way of tempting me to have feelings of envy. I refuse to allow her joy to be my grief. I am happy however that my parents were very understanding and even tried to make sure that I was ok after I excused myself to have a good cry in the teachers lounge. I will continue to allow myself to feel and not bottle feelings up. Thanks for making sure that I know it is ok to let myself let go.

A Good Day

Well the school year is winding down and although it is not the last day of school yet, the year is winding down. My babies are having their promotional tomorrow and its their picnic. One problem. Its supposed to rain. Noooooooo! Practices have been a mess, but I am sure they will do well. I am proud of them. Most of them have made lots of progress. It has been hard going and taking care of other peoples children but it has been rewarding and maybe even my saving grace since my world came crumbling around me. I wanted to make today's post positive as I have had many rough days in the past week. Here is to hoping Mother Nature is kind to us tomorrow and we can grill for our cookout.

Tears

I have noticed that the smallest things are bringing me to tears. Trying to help others through their storms and challenges make me greatful for my own but sad at the same time. I have had more tears this past weekend then I have had in many of the weeks since I lost Anthony. Going back to work was a huge help for me, maybe things are getting hard because I know that another change is coming real soon. The end of a school year. I am excited but not dealing well with change these days. I know that my tears are for someone very important to me and I refuse to stifle them any longer.

My journey

My journey began November 9, 2010 when my little Anthony first entered my life. Was he born no, but in a few short weeks I new that I would be a mommy. Will and I were so excited. We had been through so much. Our first IUI and our dream had come true. Our union had created someone new. Eighteen weeks passed. A little bit of nausea, my belly beginning to swell, great prenatal visits and then.... A bomb dropped right in our laps. I felt something, it wasnt right. It felt a little rubbery, all those years watching discovery channel were about to payoff. Was it my amniotic sac. One long trip to L&D and my suspensions are not laid to rest. My cervix had dialated and my bag was bulging. Three days I lay in that L&D bed, IV's and antibiotics. One bad sneeze, one infection, a broken water bag and at 4:22 pm my perfect angel entered the world after a few pushes. He was perfect in every way.
Two words caused my world as I new it to end: Incompetent Cervix. I wish I could share my sweet baby with you, but out of respect of my husband I will not. I made a vow not to let my baby die in vain but to help others who share in this journey. My desire is to share my journey and I pray that it will lift up and edify all who read it.

Never thought I would do this

I decided to join many of my other angel mommies and create my own blog. I can make this like my own journal where I can actually let out my thoughts in a positive manner without keeping them bottled In. Thank you all of my BBC mommies for giving me the strength to start this blog. I didnt think I would do this but I see how effective this is to all of you. Summer is coming so I will soon be able to dedicate this page to my Anthony and my new TTC with infertility journey. More to come soon ladies.

On a side note my babies are about to leave me. The end of the school year is near and my kindergartners are about to go to first grade. While I am happy they have grown so much with me and that the year is coming to a close I am sad because I know many are going to a new school and I will not get to see them grow as so many of ther of my students of years past. With all that has gone on this school year I need some closer. Maybe summer vacation and the prospect of trying again will help me.
Here is to the promise of a new school year in the fall.